Lines You Won't Hear in Troy
by Universal Queen
Summary: Compiled for your amusement, the following is a list of hilarious and mostly fictional outtakes and extended scenes from the film...CONTAINS SPOILERS! Reviews welcome.
1. Chapter 1

**Lines You Won't Hear in Troy **

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters quoted here. None whatsoever. They are the exclusive property of Homer, Virgil, Euripides and other Greek storytellers who used the _Iliad_ and the various other supplemental tales as examples of how to live their lives. All of the embellishments are mine, but the main script dialogue is (as far as I can tell) David Benioff's. I make no money writing this—it is purely art for art's sake. Thank you, and enjoy.

* * *

Outtake #1: 

**Odysseus**: (_voiceover; prologue_) Men are haunted by the vastness of eternity. It is a large vastness—too vast even for the word "big." Or "huge." And so we ask ourselves: will our actions echo across the centuries? Will strangers hear our names long after we are gone, and wonder who we were, how bravely we fought, how fiercely we loved? Will anyone even care? Or is it all just a masturbatory fantasy created by inherently selfish minds that desire, but do not deserve, immortality? I don't like to think so…

* * *

Outtake #2: 

**Achilles**: I want what all men want—I just want more.

**Patroclus**: Well, pardon me, by my ass needs a break.

* * *

Outtake #3: 

**Achilles**: You sack of wine.

**Patroclus**: What did you call me?

* * *

Outtake #4: 

(_The Trojan princes are in the process of sailing back to Troy—as Hector sullenly watches the sea, Paris approaches him_.)

**Paris**: The weather is good. Poseidon has blessed our voyage.

**Hector**: (_not looking at Paris_) Sometimes the gods will bless you in the morning and curse you in the afternoon.

(_Pause_.)

**Paris**: Wow. Way to bring down the conversation.

**Hector**: It's what I do best.

(_Awkward pause, as Paris considers what he wants to say next_.)

**Paris**: Do you love me, brother?

**Hector**: "Love" is not the exact word for it…

**Paris**: Will you protect me from any enemy?

**Hector**: Last time you spoke to me like this, you were 10 years old and you'd just stolen Father's horse. (_looks Paris in the face_) What have you done now?

(_Pause_.)

**Paris**: Promise you won't freak out?

**Hector**: (_pointedly_) No.

(_Pause—Paris swallows hard_.)

**Hector**: But you're going to tell me anyway, because I can clearly see that it's eating you up inside, and despite the fact that I am older, taller and stronger than you, I won't be able to punish you _half_ as badly as Father will.

(_Pause, as Paris realizes the enormity of this_.)

**Paris**: I have something to show you.

* * *

Outtake #5: 

(_Hector, backed by a small group of Trojan Soldiers, has encountered Achilles_.)

**Hector**: Fight me!

**Achilles**: Why kill you now, Prince of Troy, with no one here to see you fall?

**Soldier #1**: Hey, we are certainly not "no one"!

**Soldier #2**: We _are_ here, braggart… to see _you_ fall to Hector's sword.

**Soldier #1**: And we will tell stories of your suffering as you begged for your life!

**Achilles**: (_to Soldier #1_) Do you have a name for yourself, Trojan?

**Soldier #1**: Reginald.

(_Pause_.)

**Achilles**: Let me rephrase that. Do you have a name that means anything to me?

(_Pause_.)

**Soldier #1**: Sugartits.

(_Pause_. _Achilles raises an eyebrow and sizes up the soldier—then hardens his face_.)

**Achilles**: Go fuck yourself.

(_Hector and the other Trojan soldiers glare at the upstart_.)

**Hector**: (_to the soldier_) "Sugartits"?

**Soldier #1**: It was all I could come up with, my liege.

**Hector**: (_to himself_) Idiot…

* * *

Outtake #6: 

**Briseis**: Am I still your captive?

**Achilles**: You're my guest.

**Briseis**: In Troy, guests can leave whenever they want.

**Achilles**: Well, aside from that gi-normous army outside my tent that hates your people and wouldn't think twice about raping and killing you dead, nobody's stopping you.

**Briseis**: You're not funny.

**Achilles**: I'm not paid to be funny.

* * *

Outtake #7: 

(_Paris is trying to prove his love for Helen—in spite of her husband's clear objections_.)

**Paris**: (_to Helen_) Then I'll make it easy for him to find me. I'll walk right up to him and tell him you're mine. Tomorrow. Yes, I'll do it tomorrow. Oh, wait, we've got that thing tomorrow—tomorrow isn't going to work—maybe Saturday… oh, no, no, that won't do—we're having dinner for my parent's anniversary. Can't afford to miss that, seeing as it's their 59th—what on earth am I going to give them? And the festivities will probably last until Sunday evening, at the latest—this weekend is right out. And then Astyanax's birthday—oh ye gods, all of the family will be there for that one, seeing as he's next in line after Hector, and he's all special… Oh! Next Tuesday! Yes, that'll do. Next Tuesday, I'll walk right up to Menelaus, look him straight in the eye, and tell him right to his face—

**Helen**: —Paris?

**Paris**: Huh?

**Helen**: Shut up and fuck me.

**Paris**: All right.

* * *

Outtake #8a: 

(_The wooden horse has been brought to Troy as a "gift"—Priam is willing to accept it_.)

**Paris**: Father, burn it.

**Laocoon**: (_off-camera_) HEY! That's MY line!

**Paris**: Well, then you shouldn't have closed your eyes, uncle—I thought you'd nodded off again.

**Laocoon**: (_off-camera_) For the last damned time, I'm not your uncle! I'm your brother!

**Paris**: More like half-brother…

**Priam**: (_pinching his nose_) Paris, don't argue with your brother.

**Paris**: (_ala Napoleon Dynamite_) Whatever! Gawh…

* * *

Outtake #8b: 

**Paris**: Father, burn it.

**Priam**: Why should we treat a gift so unkindly?

**Paris**: Because it's hideous. It doesn't even look like a horse, for fuck's sake!

**Priam**: Not a horse? What else could it possibly be?

**Paris**: I don't know—a dragon, a four-legged bird, a couple doing it doggie-style, a shipwreck, a giant turd—I don't _know_! Just get rid of it before it ruins the décor, or we'll _never_ hear the end of it from the Amazons!

* * *

Outtake #9: 

(_Inside Achilles' tent_…)

**Achilles**: Go. No one will stop you. You have my word.

**Briseis**: Really?

**Achilles**: Really, really.

**Briseis**: You're serious?

**Achilles**: I'm completely serious.

**Briseis**: It's not going to be like that unruly mob of miscreants you let me walk into last time?

**Achilles**: Nobody's going to gang rape you, again—I promise.

**Briseis**: On your honor?

**Achilles**: Whatever's left of it, yes.

**Briseis**: Thank you, noble Achilles.

**Achilles**: Don't mention it.

(_Briseis leaves the tent_. _Achilles waits_…_listening_…)

**Ajax**: (_outside the tent_) Hey! It's the Trojan! Get her!

(_Briseis is heard screaming, as a group of soldiers grabs and drags her away_. _Achilles cracks up_.)

**Achilles**: (_snickering_) Okay, you can come out now.

(_Patroclus exits Achilles' armor closet, laughing uncontrollably_.)

**Patroclus**: Holy shit, that was hilarious!

**Achilles**: (_shaking his head_) Stupid bitch.

**Patroclus**: Ye gods, I can't believe she fell for it _again_!

**Achilles**: You owe me.

**Patroclus**: (_wiping the tears from his eyes_) Sure, sure. You deserve it. Take off your tunic and sit down—I'm _all_ over it.

* * *

Outtake #10: 

(_Achilles draws his first meeting with Hector to a close_.)

**Achilles**: (_to Hector_) We will meet again, my brother.

**Hector**: Oh, goddamn it, not _another_ one!

**Achilles**: (_confused_) Huh?

**Hector**: Did you not just call me your brother? Because I absolutely cannot fucking handle any more long-lost brothers!

(_Pause_.)

**Achilles**: I was speaking metaphorically.

**Hector**: Oh. (_to himself, relieved_) Oh, gods be praised…

* * *

Outtake #11: 

(_Priam has snuck into Achilles' tent after Hector's death_.)

**Priam**: (_to Achilles' face_) I knew your father. He died well before his time. But he was fortunate enough to not have lived to see his son fall.

**Achilles**: _Wow_… You are so much more intense when you're sober.

* * *

Outtake #12: 

(_Paris unveils his guest in front of Hector and Priam_.)

**Paris**: Father, this is Helen.

**Priam**: Helen? Helen of Sparta?

**Paris**: (_correcting him_) Helen of Troy.

(_Pause_.)

**Priam**: (_aside, to Hector_) He's sleeping with her, isn't he.

**Hector**: (_aside_) Seems like it.

**Priam**: She's not supposed to be here, is she?

**Hector**: Nope.

**Priam**: We're going to get in trouble for this, aren't we?

**Hector**: Most likely.

**Paris**: (_giving Priam puppy-dog eyes_) Can we keep her? Can we? Please?

(_Pause, as Priam briefly considers the request_.)

**Priam**: (_smiling politely_) Of course, she can stay with us.

(_Hector looks at his father in disbelief_. _Helen hugs Paris, who drags her off to cavort with her in the garden_.)

**Hector**: Father, what are you doing? She's the blood-born queen of Sparta and she's already married, with a little daughter by her husband, Menelaus. We have to give her back.

**Priam**: Hector, what will the Greeks do if we keep her?

**Hector**: What will they do? What would any materialistic country do, that values its queen as it values vast quantities of treasure? They'll come after us to get her back—to get back what they see as theirs—they'll go to war with us!

**Priam**: And if we were to just give her back—"Here Menelaus, take back your stolen wife, take back your blood-born queen whom a prince of Troy has illicitly ravished right under your nose—we don't want her here, and we never even wanted her in the first place"—how would the Greeks respond to that?

(_Pause, as Hector realizes the political implications_.)

**Hector**: (_uneasily_) They'd take it as an insult to Sparta… and go to war with us.

**Priam**: There you are, then. If we're in for the bacon, we might as well go whole hog. At least if we have her, we also have a degree of leverage—something with which to bring the Greeks to negotiations should the need arise.

**Hector**: Your wisdom never ceases to amaze me, Father.

* * *

Outtake #13: 

**Achilles**: Patroclus, put down your spear...

**Patroclus**: But I'm here to fight the Trojans.

**Achilles**: Not today.

**Patroclus**: I'm ready for it.

**Achilles**: No, you're not.

**Patroclus**: Where do you get off telling me not to do what I was sent here to do?

**Achilles**: Look at these men—

**Patroclus**: —What do you think I've been _doing_ for the entire trip over here? I'd rather have been looking at _you_—

**Achilles**: —They are the fiercest soldiers in all of Greece—each of them has bled for me.

**Patroclus**: As if I _haven't_…especially last month. You really hurt me that night, you know—I don't think you even used _any_ of the lubricant…

**Achilles**: You will guard the ship...

**Patroclus**: But this is a war, and I'm a soldier!

**Achilles**: Patroclus!

**Patroclus**: What?

(_Achilles grabs Patroclus and kisses him deeply on the lips_.)

**Achilles**: I can't fight the Trojans if I'm concerned for you. Guard the ship.

(_Achilles runs off, leaving Patroclus dazed_.)

**Patroclus**: (_quietly_) Okay…

* * *

Outtake #14: 

(_Priam and Helen are walking in the courtyard_.)

**Priam**: I have heard rumors of your beauty. And for once, the gossip is right.

**Helen**: (_blushing_) You are too kind, Priam.

**Priam**: (_under his breath_) You are a haughty little bitch.

**Helen**: Pardon?

**Priam**: Oh, I said, "You are lovely and quite rich."

**Helen**: Why yes, I _have_ been very fortunate.

(_Priam rolls his eyes_.)

* * *

Outtake #15: 

(_Paris is about to fight a duel with Menelaus_. _Hector and Andromache are discussing it_.)

**Andromache**: Fifty-thousand Greeks did not cross the sea to watch your brother fight. You know this.

**Hector**: Yes, but perhaps I could still take bets. Is it a crime to bet money against your family?

**Andromache**: I know nothing of laws, but it seems very harsh.

**Hector**: Trust me—it's not.

* * *

Outtake #16: 

(_The Trojans have come out to meet the Greek forces_.)

**Agamemnon**: I see you're not hiding behind your high walls. Valiant of you… Ill-advised, but valiant.

**Hector**: You come here uninvited. Go back to your ships and go home.

**Agamemnon**: We've come too far, Prince Hector.

**Menelaus**: Prince? What prince? What son of a king would accept a man's hospitality, eat his food, drink his wine, embrace him in friendship, and then steal his wife in the middle of the night?

**Hector**: (_icily, so Paris can hear_) What prince, indeed…

**Paris**: And what is _that_ supposed to mean?

**Hector**: (_to Paris, while keeping his eyes on the enemy_) If you had stayed in Phrygia—

**Paris**: —I thought we agreed never to discuss the incident.

**Hector**: (_to himself_) Father was right to have left you on that rock…

**Paris**: (_to Menelaus_) The sun was shining when your wife left you!

**Menelaus**: She's up there, watching, isn't she? Good. I want her to watch you die.

**Hector**: (_to himself_) You're not the only one.

**Paris**: What?

**Hector**: Nothing.

**Agamemnon**: (_to Menelaus_) Not yet, brother. Look around you, Hector. I brought all the warriors of Greece to your shores.

**Paris**: (_scoffing_) That's all?

**Hector**: (_to Paris_) Quiet, you.

**Nestor**: You can still save Troy, young prince.

**Paris**: (_sarcastic_) Sure, listen to the old guy.

**Hector**: (_warning Paris_) Quiet.

**Agamemnon**: I have two wishes.

**Paris**: (_quietly_) What do we look like, genies?

(_Hector elbows him in the ribs_.)

**Paris**: Ow…

**Agamemnon**: If you grant them, no more of your people need die.

**Hector**: (_to Agamemnon_) And what exactly are your requests?

**Agamemnon**: First, you must give Helen back to my brother.

**Hector**: Fair enough.

**Paris**: Hector!

**Hector**: For the last time, be quiet.

**Paris**: She's mine!

**Hector**: No, she isn't, and you know it. (_to Agamemnon_) Go on. What is the second?

**Agamemnon**: Second, Troy must submit to my command—to fight for me whenever I call.

(_Pause_.)

**Hector**: (_incredulous_) What?

**Paris**: Are you going to take that kind of disrespect, brother?

(_Hector ignores him and surveys the Greek army_.)

**Hector**: (_to Agamemnon_) You want me to look upon your army and tremble? Well I see them—I see 50,000 men brought here to fight for one man's greed.

**Agamemnon**: Careful boy, my mercy has limits.

**Hector**: And I've seen the limits of your mercy and I tell you now—no son of Troy will ever submit to a foreign ruler.

**Agamemnon**: Then every son of Troy shall die.

**Paris**: (_shouting_) Ha! I'd like to see you try and kill us!

**Hector**: That does it. Time-out.

(_Two Trojan guards come up and "gently escort" Paris away_.)

**Paris**: Let go of me! Don't do this, Hector!

**Hector**: (_to the guards_) Please keep him in his room for the rest of the day—and no, Helen won't be joining him.

* * *

Outtake #17: 

**Eudorus**: We were going to sail home today.

**Odysseus**: I don't think anyone's sailing home now.

**Eudorus**: (_sarcastic, under his breath_) Score one for Captain Obvious.

**Odysseus**: What was that?

**Eudorus**: I said, "Score one for Captain Odysseus."

**Odysseus**: Eudorus?

**Eudorus**: Yes?

**Odysseus**: (_threateningly_) I'm not a captain.

(_Uncomfortable pause_.)

**Eudorus**: I said nothing, sir.

**Odysseus**: That's what I thought…

* * *

Outtake #18: 

**Eudorus**: (_about Patroclus_) He wore your armor. Your shield, your greaves, your helmet… He even moved like you.

**Achilles**: Great. First he steals my armor. Then he steals my shield, greaves and helmet. And now he steals my moves. That thieving little bastard…

**Eudorus**: Achilles, he is dead.

**Achilles**: Great. That'll teach him to steal my shit.

**Eudorus**: I thought you liked Patroclus.

**Achilles**: I do like Patroclus—what's he got to do with this?

**Eurdorus**: I told you. Patroclus is dead.

**Achilles**: Oh… Oh! I'm sorry. I thought you were talking about Odysseus.

* * *

Outtake #19: 

**Glaucus**: (_at the last stand_) Soldiers of Troy! You men are warriors! To lead you has been my honor! (_to Paris_) My prince! The boatman waits for us! I say we make him wait a little longer!

(_Trojans attack as the Greeks break down the last barricade_.)

**Paris**: Damn it! Why do our things always break?

* * *

Outtake #20: 

**Priam**: I've fought many wars in my time. Some I've fought for land, some for power, some for glory. I suppose fighting for love makes more sense than all the rest.

**Paris**: Oh, Father, you're so much more jovial when you're blitzed.

* * *

Outtake #21: 

**Agamemnon**: A great victory was won today, but that victory was not yours.

**Achilles**: My foot it wasn't, asshole. I didn't see you out there in your armor, knee-deep in mud, blood and shit, slaughtering Trojans left and right.

**Agamemnon**: Kings do not kneel to Achilles. Kings do not pay homage to Achilles.

**Achilles**: Perhaps the kings were too far behind to see: the soldiers won the battle.

**Agamemnon**: History remembers KINGS, not soldiers! Tomorrow we'll batter down the gates of Troy. I'll build monuments for victory on every island of Greece. I'll carve Agamemnon in the stones.

**Achilles**: Be careful, king of kings. First you need the victory.

**Agamemnon**: Honestly, Achilles, you're really ruining the celebratory mood around here. Why don't you go back to your tent, and your Myrmidons, and your precious little pretty-boy and throw yourself a pity party?

**Achilles**: Patroclus is dead, you ass.

**Agamemnon**: Well, sucks to be you. At least I know _I'll_ be getting some tonight.

* * *

Outtake #22: 

**Agamemnon**: (_upon seeing Achilles' boat land first on the beaches of Troy_) The man wants to die!

**Odysseus**: He wouldn't have to die if you'd let him stay with that harem.

**Agamemnon**: He's not getting out of this conflict by wearing women's clothes.

* * *

Outtake #23: 

(_Paris and Priam are talking about Helen_.)

**Priam**: Do you love her, my son?

**Paris**: Father, you are a great king, because you love your country so much. Every blade of grass, every grain of sand, every rock in the river... You love all of Troy. That is the way I love Helen.

(_Priam stares at Paris, in muted disbelief, as if to ask, "Did he really just say all of that nonsense, when a simple yes or no would have been sufficient?"_)

**Priam**: I see that you have…browsed your rhetoric lessons.

**Paris**: (_oblivious_) I aim to please you, Father.

(_Pause, as Priam considers thoughtfully where to steer this conversation_.)

**Priam**: Are you saying then, Paris, that a woman is a country?

**Paris**: Yes. Exactly. A beautiful country.

**Priam**: (_grinning_) Wonderful. Let us talk of countries, then. Let us say, my child, that you are but one man. Not an army—not a crowd—but a single individual. And you have come to a country with wide, grassy fields and shining shores and glittering rivers—and that this beautiful country is populated with thousands of people who are polite and hospitable to apparently no end, but know you not. Would you, and you alone, proclaim yourself master of this country and crown yourself king of these people?

**Paris**: No, I would not.

**Priam**: Why not?

**Paris**: I would not, because those thousands of people know me not—and would not think well of my asserting my dominion over them without their consent. It would be very impolite.

**Priam**: (_glaring at Paris_) That is one word for it.

**Paris**: What is the other word?

**Priam**: An act of war.

(_Pause, as Paris realizes what his father has been getting at_.)

**Paris**: Don't play with me like that.

**Priam**: I'm not playing, boy. And neither will the Greeks when they get here.

**Paris**: Father, you promised to protect us.

**Priam**: I promised to do what I can. I am your father—not a god. I cannot make the Greeks disappear into thin air, and it was foolish for you to even entertain the notion that it was within my power to do so. I cannot force them to go away if they are so intent on warring with us—and all because _you_ have been blinded by sexual desire and the childish delusion that you have some right to a woman who is not yours. You are a prince of Troy—and it is high time you started acting like one. When the Greeks come, I expect you to take responsibility for your actions.

**Paris**: Fine! I will!

(_Paris storms away_.)

**Priam**: (_sighs_) I'm getting too old for this shit…

* * *

Continued in next installment! 


	2. Chapter 2

**Lines You Won't Hear in Troy** (cont.)

* * *

Outtake #24:

(_Hector and Paris are fighting after the "duel" with Menelaus_.)

**Hector**: You say you're willing to die for love, but you know _nothing_ about dying and you know _nothing about love_!

(_Pause, as Paris' lower lip quivers_.)

**Hector**: Don't give me that look, Paris, I won't have—

(_Paris breaks down crying_. _Hector pinches the bridge of his nose_.)

**Hector**: Great.

**Paris**: (_sobbing_) That hurt me, Hector—it hurt me more that I can say. You're my brother and I love you, and I just got my _ass kicked_, and you're yelling at me, and all because I found a woman who loves me! And I love her! And I have a _divine mandate_ from the goddess Aphrodite to have Helen as my own! Doesn't that mean _anything_ to you?

(_Paris covers his face and continues sobbing_.)

**Hector**: (_sarcastic_) Wonderful. You took a Greek woman home, and now she's made a woman out of you.

* * *

Outtake #25:

**Achilles**: Before my time is done, I will look down on your corpse and smile. And then tie you to my chariot, and drag your rotting carcass around the walls of your precious home. And then, as a denouement, _piss all over you_.

* * *

Outtake #26:

**Achilles**: You're still my enemy in the morning.

**Priam**: You're still my enemy tonight. But even enemies can show respect.

**Achilles**: (_turned on_) For the love of the gods, Priam, _take me now_!

* * *

Outtake #27:

(_Paris is in Helen's bedroom, reaching into his pocket_.)

**Paris**: Pearls from the sea of Propontus.

(_Helen closes her eyes and opens her mouth wide, expectantly_.)

**Paris**: (_confused_) What are you doing?

**Helen**: (_seductively_) Awaiting your pearls, my love…

(_Helen opens her mouth wide again. Paris looks at her askance, looks down at the string of pearls in his hand, and then looks back at her_.)

**Paris**: How can you see them with your eyes closed?

(_Helen opens one eye_. _Paris dangles the pearls so she can see them_.)

**Helen**: Oh! Pearls! _Real_ pearls. Of course!

(_Helen demurely takes the pearls and gazes at them_.)

**Helen**: They're so beautiful—thank you—oh, but I could never wear them. Menelaus would kill us both. Or beat us bloody, if we're lucky. That means he loves us, if he beats us, and then we can stay home, away from other people. It's wonderful…

**Paris**: (_slightly worried_) Don't be afraid of him.

**Helen**: I'm not afraid of dying, Paris, I'm afraid of the pain. I could never really handle the pain—not as well as other women, at any rate. The pain of my mother's death, the pain of first sex, the pain of my father's death, the pain of childbirth, the pain of childrearing, the pain of my husband's love, the pain of hiding my stretch marks—all kinds of pain.

(_Paris looks away from Helen, wondering if he's been given a little too much information_.)

**Paris**: (_slightly disgusted_) Oh dear…

**Helen**: Also, in addition to the pain, I'm afraid of tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. I'm afraid of watching you sail away tomorrow and knowing you'll never come back. Your love is different—you don't have to hit me, unless I ask for it—and, in all honesty, I actually _like_ it when you hit me.

**Paris**: (_slightly embarrassed_) Oh, it was nothing—let's not talk about that.

**Helen**: Before you came to Sparta, I was a ghost. I walked and I ate and I swam in the sea... I dressed and I danced and I slept with my husband and I played with my daughter…

(_Helen turns away from Paris and becomes lost in her reverie_.)

**Helen**: But I was never really attached to any of it—I was actually resentful of them, sometimes. I almost hated them.

**Paris**: (_slightly shocked_) Hated them?

**Helen**: Yes, my husband and my daughter. I sometimes thought about slitting Menelaus's throat as he slept, and abandoning Hermione in the woods so that she would die of exposure. (_Paris' eyes go wide with horror; Helen does not notice this and continues_) Yes, I almost hated them. And not even for anything they were in control of—just for being there. Being _always_ there. And not…somewhere else… They were so awful and grasping, sometimes, and the suffering they gave me was so painful and intense—almost like being chained to a wall, while standing on hot coals and menstruating so hard that you think your womb is just going to explode… And yet, my husband and my daughter were so important, I was not allowed to leave. I could not make myself leave, because they needed me—and they still need me—for what reason I still do not understand, or even care about. I was just a ghost, repeating my actions over and over, each and every day, but not caring for the best and secretly hoping for the worst.

**Paris**: (_very scared_) Oh my…

**Helen**: So, yes, darling, I fear tomorrow very greatly—for when I lose you, I will lose not only the best man I have ever had in bed, but I will also lose all hope of decency and goodness… and I will probably find myself forced to do something most rash.

**Paris**: (_stammering in fright_) Y-y-you…you…

(_Helen snaps out of her reverie, and looks to Paris, grinning—as if she had never said any of the horrible things about her family_.)

**Helen**: (_sweetly_) What is it, my love?

**Paris**: You don't have to fear tomorrow...

**Helen**: (_confused_) What?

**Paris**: You do not have to fear what has not yet come. You do not have to fear your pains, or your husband, or… what you might do if left to your own devices.

**Helen**: How can I possibly avoid it?

(_She gives him bedroom eyes_. _He tries to think of possible alternatives for her_.)

**Paris**: Well, you could, er… you… you could… possibly…

**Helen**: I could possibly…what?

**Paris**: (_blurting out the first thing that comes to his mind_) Come with me!

(_Helen tilts her head; Paris can hardly believe he just said that_.)

**Helen**: Come with you? Where?

**Paris**: Somewhere. Anywhere. Away from here.

**Helen**: (_laughing and feigning embarrassment_) Don't play with me—don't play.

(_Helen covers her mouth, but looks at him expectantly_. _Paris thinks about how to best explain his offer_.)

**Paris**: (_clarifying_) If you come, we'll never be safe. Men will hunt us, the gods will curse us, we may not be able to hide forever, but I will love you. And not the kind of love that requires bruising your sweet face on a regular basis—

**Helen**: —Unless I want it?

**Paris**: Whatever you wish, but my point remains. Until the day they burn my body, I will love you.

(_Helen is about to kiss him, before stopping_.)

**Helen**: Wait—why would I go with you, if we'll never be safe?

**Paris**: I mean we'll never be _completely_ safe. There will always be an aspect of danger regarding our love. But I just got back into my father's good graces—perhaps he can help us.

**Helen**: How can your father save us from the forces of Sparta?

**Paris**: He is king of the Trojans—I'm certain he can offer us some protection.

**Helen**: Why does that sound vaguely dirty?

**Paris**: Helen?

**Helen**: Yes?

**Paris**: Get your cloak.

**Helen**: Getting my cloak.

* * *

Outtake #28:

**Achilles**: Go home, prince. Drink some wine, make love to your wife… Tomorrow, we'll have our war.

**Hector**: You speak of war as if it's a game. But how many wives wait at Troy's gates for husbands they'll never see again?

**Achilles**: Perhaps your brother can comfort them. I hear he's good at charming other men's wives.

(_Pause_. _Hector bursts out laughing, sheathes his sword and applauds_.)

**Hector**: Oh, that was good. That was brilliant. And so true! (_to a Trojan soldier_) Isn't that the funniest thing you've ever heard? He may be a Greek savage, but that was genius. (_to Achilles_) You win, man. I got nothing. You totally got me. "Charming other men's wives." That was good—I will let you have that victory. (_to the soldiers_) Come on, guys, let's go back to base—I have got to send word to my father. He will absolutely get a kick out of that…

* * *

Outtake #29:

(_Achilles has slaughtered several Trojan soldiers_.)

**Achilles**: (_yelling_) Is there no one else? Is there no one else?

(_A Trojan soldier whistles from afar_.)

**Soldier #1**: Yoo-hoo! Over here! Remember me, dumbass?

**Achilles**: (_snarling_) Prepare to die, Sugartits!

* * *

Outtake #30:

(_Paris has followed Helen to her bedroom_. _She is fixing her hair, or trying to look like it, as he enters and closes the door behind him_.)

**Helen**: You should not have come here tonight.

**Paris**: That's what you said last night.

**Helen**: Last night was a mistake.

**Paris**: And the night before?

**Helen**: I have made many mistakes this week.

**Paris**: (_confused_) But I've only been here three days—

(_Helen turns around on her stool and glares at him_.)

**Helen**: —Shut up and strip.

**Paris**: All right.

* * *

Outtake #31:

**Achilles**: You gave me peace in a lifetime of war.

**Patroclus**: Just doing my job. Now you do yours, and get back to fucking me.

* * *

Outtake #32:

(_Achilles has been asked why he will not fight Hector_.)

**Achilles**: It's too early in the day to be killing princes.

**Hector**: It's too early in the day for drinking sacrificial wine—but you did it anyway.

* * *

Outtake #32:

**Briseis**: You lost your cousin, and now you have taken mine. Where does it end?

**Achilles**: It never ends.

**Briseis**: I hate you.

**Achilles**: The feeling's mutual.

* * *

Outtake #33:

(_Achilles is giving a rallying speech to his personal legions_.)

**Achilles**: Myrmidons! My brothers of the sword! I would rather fight beside you than any army of thousands! Let no man forget how menacing we are—we are lions! Do you know what's waiting beyond that beach? Immortality! Take it! It's yours!

(_The Myrmidons cheer uproariously_.)

**Achilles**: And remember, above all else, protect Patroclus! He gives good head! He gives better sexual pleasure than any woman in Greece! And he will personally suck off every one of you who keeps him safe!

(_The Myrmidons cheer even louder_. _Patroclus, mouth agape, glares at Achilles, who comes down off his perch_.)

**Patroclus**: (_shocked_) What the hell are you doing?

**Achilles**: Guaranteeing you protection.

**Patroclus**: Are you crazy? I can't possibly fellate all of your men!

**Achilles**: You won't. At the end of the day, a quarter of them will be dead and the rest will be too wounded or shell-shocked to even think about sex for weeks.

**Patroclus**: You're insane.

**Achilles**: And that's why you love me.

(_Achilles kisses Patroclus on the cheek and winks_.)

**Patroclus**: You owe me for this.

**Achilles**: I'm sure I'll be able to make it up to you.

* * *

Outtake #34:

**Achilles**: (_to Hector_) Get up, Prince of Troy! I won't let a stone rob me of my glory!

(_Hector kicks Achilles in the balls_.)

**Hector**: How about a foot in _your_ stones?

**Achilles**: (_pained_) You…cruel…sonuva… ow…

* * *

Outtake #35:

**Nestor**: This will be the greatest war the world has ever seen. We need the greatest warrior. And, no, Agamemnon, it's not Chuck Norris.

* * *

Outtake #36:

**Messenger Boy**: (_walks into Achilles' tent and sees him with two sleeping women_) King Agamemnon has sent for you.

**Achilles**: Tell the king it can wait until morning

**Messenger Boy**: Umm... it is morning.

(_Achilles raises himself slightly and spits up a little vomit on one of the women's legs_. _She groans drowsily, but does not move_.)

**Achilles**: Damn… what did I—? (_He looks around, and realizes what probably happened_) Oh gods, he is going to be _so_ angry…

**Messenger Boy**: The king?

**Achilles**: No, not the king. I couldn't care less about the king. Now, go away—I've got a headache.

**Messenger Boy**: Are you sure you don't want me to help—?

**Achilles**: —No, no. Don't touch me. I'm a bit ill right now.

(_Achilles slowly stumbles onto his hands and knees, and tries to carefully crawl over the sleeping women_.)

**Messenger Boy**: Are the stories true?

**Achilles**: That depends entirely on which stories you're referring to.

**Messenger Boy**: They say your mother was an immortal goddess. They say you can't be killed.

**Achilles**: I wouldn't be bothering with the shield then, would I?

(_Achilles starts dressing himself_.)

**Messenger Boy**: Your shield is legendary. I heard it was a gift from Hephaestus, the god of iron-work.

**Achilles**: If by "Hephaestus," you mean "some poor dead bastard whose corpse I looted," then yes. Yes, it was. You're a very observant young boy.

**Messenger Boy**: The Thessalonian you're fighting... he's the biggest man I've ever seen.

**Achilles**: Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm fighting a Thessalonian? From Thessaloniki?

**Messenger Boy**: No, from Thessaly.

**Achilles**: Oh, good. That's what I thought. Then I'm fighting a "Thessalian." You have got to stop slurring your words, boy—you had me worried for a moment, there.

**Messenger Boy**: I wouldn't want to fight him.

**Achilles**: That's why no one will remember your name.

**Messenger Boy**: You never asked for my name.

**Achilles**: And I do not intend to. You see those girls in there? Those girls have put me in enough trouble as it is, and I'm not looking for any more. Especially not from boys as little as yourself—come back when you're 14, then we'll talk.

* * *

Outtake #37:

**Achilles**: If you sailed any slower, the war would be over.

**Odysseus**: Oh damn—my brilliant plan didn't work.

**Achilles**: Yeah, like feigning madness would stop Agamemnon from enlisting you.

**Odysseus**: I did what I could. Which was marginally better than dressing up like a girl.

**Achilles**: Will you _ever_ let that go?

**Odysseus**: Absolutely not. Penelope's told pretty much everyone she knows—which is pretty much everyone who has ever set foot in Ithaca.

**Achilles**: I'll get you for that, Odysseus.

**Odysseus**: You're so cute when you're angry.

* * *

Outtake #38:

**Thetis**: If you stay in Larissa, you will find peace. You will find a wonderful woman, and you will have sons and daughters, who will have children. And they'll all love you and remember your name. But when your children are dead, and their children after them, your name will be forgotten... If you go to Troy, glory will be yours—they will write stories about your victories in thousands of years. And the world will remember your name. But if you go to Troy, you will never come back—for your glory walks hand-in-hand with your doom. And I shall never see you again.

**Achilles**: I have to admit, mother, your sunny disposition is absolutely infectious.

* * *

Outtake #39:

**Odysseus**: This war will never be forgotten, nor will the heroes who fight in it.

**Achilles**: Easy for you to say—you're the one on Agamemnon's payroll.

**Odysseus**: (_irritated_) Who said he's paying me?

**Achilles**: He's blackmailing you? Oh, you poor bastard.

* * *

Outtake #40:

(_Achilles is giving Patroclus sword-fighting lessons_.)

**Achilles**: Never hesitate.

**Patroclus**: I won't hesitate, if you'll just commit and get on with it.

**Achilles**: Shut your mouth.

(_They put their swords back in their belts and kiss each other passionately—only to stop when Achilles notices Odysseus watching them_.)

**Achilles**: Can I help you?

**Odysseus**: No, no. You just…keep on…keeping on.

* * *

Outtake #41:

**Agamemnon**: The gods only protect the strong.

**Achilles**: Whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad.

**Agamemnon**: What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

**Achilles**: It means you're weak, old and angry—so you must be cruising for a bruising.

* * *

Outtake #42:

**Achilles**: (_to Briseis_) You don't have to fear me, girl. You just have to let my friend here violate your ear canals.

**Patroclus**: You're terrible!

**Achilles**: She's my prize—I can do what I want with her.

**Patroclus**: You're disgusting.

**Achilles**: And that's why you love me.

* * *

Outtake #43:

**Patroclus**: Prince Hector—is he as good a warrior as they say?

**Odysseus**: The best of all the Trojans. Some would say (_side long glance at Achilles_) he's better than all the Greeks.

(_Achilles snorts_)

**Odysseus**: Even if the flaxen-haired one doesn't come, I hope you'll join us, Patroclus. We could use a strong arm like yours. And, in all honesty, your legs aren't too bad, either…

**Achilles**: If you're going to shore up support for Agamemnon's idiotic war, play your tricks on me, Odysseus. The boy's mine, so don't give him no lines and keep your hands to yourself.

**Odysseus**: You have your swords. I have my tricks. We play with the toys the gods give us.

**Achilles**: Like I said—you keep your toys to yourself.

* * *

Outtake #44:

**Menelaus**: I want her back.

**Agamemnon**: Well, of course you do. She's a beautiful woman.

**Menelaus**: I want her back so I can kill her with my own two hands!

**Agamemnon**: Now, now, brother—you're just saying that because you're angry. You are perfectly entitled to be angry. But you don't honestly mean that you want to kill your wife—don't be silly. You love Helen very much.

**Menelaus**: Yes, I do…

**Agamemnon**: You've gotten a beautiful daughter by her.

**Menelaus**: Good little Hermione…

**Agamemnon**: And it's all because of Helen that you became king of Sparta in the first place. Your marriage to her brought you immense wealth, access to large-scale military operations, and nigh-complete control over the country.

**Menelaus**: That is true…

**Agamemnon**: It's not your fault that your subjects will look negatively upon this.

**Menelaus**: No, it's not—_what_?

**Agamemnon**: (_feigning surprise_) Oh, you didn't hear?

**Menelaus**: Hear what?

**Agamemnon**: Oh, well…that this whole incident looks bad, politically.

**Menelaus**: "Looks bad" how?

**Agamemnon**: Well, being the blood-born queen of Sparta, you know that Helen is emblematic of the country itself, yes?

**Menelaus**: Yes, of course. Why does that matter?

**Agamemnon**: Well, brother, I hate to tell you this—really I do—but if Helen is Sparta, and Helen runs off with a younger man who is foreign and more virile than you…well, it makes you look like you can't control the country that you supposedly rule.

(_Pause_.)

**Agamemnon**: It makes you look like a pathetic king, brother.

(_Pause_.)

**Menelaus**: I'm going to kill that bitch. I'm going to kill her and that dog she ran off with. I'm going to kill them dead! Do you hear me? Dead, dead, dead! And I won't rest until I've burned Troy to the ground!

**Agamemnon**: (_smirking mischievously_) That's more like the brother I know…

* * *

Outtake #45:

**Briseis**: Why did you choose this life?

**Achilles**: What life?

**Briseis**: To be a great warrior.

**Achilles**: I chose nothing. I was born and this is what I am.

**Briseis**: So, does being a great warrior require that you also be a complete scumbag?

**Achilles**: Very funny, bitch. Now get back to cleaning my linens.

* * *

Outtake #46:

**Achilles**: Imagine a king who fights his own battles. Wouldn't that be a sight?

(_He goes off to fight Boagrius_)

**Agamemnon**: Of all the warlords loved by the gods, I hate him the most.

**Odysseus**: Given that you prevented him from living with a harem of women and escaping this reckless war, I wouldn't be surprised if the feeling is mutual.

* * *

Outtake #47:

**Achilles**: You won't have eyes tonight. You won't have ears or a tongue. You will wander the underworld blind, deaf and dumb and all the dead will know—"This is Hector: the fool who thought he killed Achilles."

**Hector**: Are you going to continue elaborating on your corpse-desecrating fetish, or are you going to fight me?

* * *

Outtake #48:

**Briseis**: I thought you were a dumb brute. I could have forgiven a dumb brute. But really you're just an evil asshole!

**Achilles**: Welcome to the real world, sweetheart.

* * *

Outtake #49:

**Agamemnon**: (_on the death of Patroclus_) That boy may have just saved the war for us.

**Odysseus**: You're just jealous you couldn't have him.

**Agamemnon**: Come again?

**Odysseus**: I said, "You'd be wise to give thanks to him."

**Agamemnon**: I just did.

**Odysseus**: (_feigning surprise_) Oh, did you? I must not have heard you right.

* * *

Outtake #50:

**Achilles**: (_to Priam_) You are a far better king than the one leading this army.

**Priam**: Oh, come now.

**Achilles**: I mean it.

**Priam**: You flatter me…

**Achilles**: No, I mean it. Truly. If the circumstances were different, and I had not just lost my lover and killed your son, I would _totally_ sleep with you.

(_Uncomfortable pause_.)

**Priam**: I'm married, Achilles.

**Achilles**: She doesn't need to know.

* * *

Continued in the last installment!


	3. Chapter 3

**Lines You Won't Hear in Troy** (finale)

* * *

Outtake #51: 

**Hector**: I killed a boy today. He was young—too young. And far too attractive for his age…

* * *

Outtake #52: 

**Briseis**: Stop! Too many men have died today! If killing is your only talent, that's your curse.

**Achilles**: Oh, it's far from my _only_ talent, I assure you… What's yours?

**Briseis**: Don't touch me!

**Achilles**: Fine. Be a frigid bitch. See if my soldiers care because, believe me—at this point in the game—they don't.

* * *

Outtake #53: 

**Achilles**: (_removing his helmet_) Now you know who you are fighting!

**Hector**: (_squinting_) A woman?

**Achilles**: FUCK YOU!

* * *

Outtake #54: 

(_Menelaus is toasting his Trojan guests_.)

**Menelaus**: May the gods keep the wolves in the hills and the women in our beds.

**Paris**: (_under his breath_) Yeah, mine.

**Menelaus**: What was that, your highness?

**Paris**: I said, "That's fine."

* * *

Outtake #55: 

**Priam**: I have endured what no one on earth has endured before. I just kissed the hands of the man who killed my son.

**Achilles**: Priam? Holy crap, I barely recognized you! Where'd you get that ratty cloak?

**Priam**: I looted it from the body of a dead Greek.

**Achilles**: (_pleased_) Ah, a king after my own heart…

* * *

Outtake #56: 

**Ajax**: (_to his shipmates, as they approach the Trojan beach_) Row, you lazy whores, row! Greeks are dying!

**Oarsman**: Maybe less of us would be dying if you weren't working us to exhaustion!

(_Ajax lashes the oarsman across his face_.)

**Ajax**: Don't sass me, bitch! You just lost your rest period!

* * *

Outtake #57: 

(_During Patroclus's funeral_.)

**Odysseus**: It's no insult to say a dead man is dead.

**Achilles**: But it's hardly a compliment to ravish a corpse.

**Odysseus**: (_defensive_) I wasn't going to ravish a corpse.

**Achilles**: (_suspicious_) I never said you were… _Were_ you?

**Odysseus**: (_covering_) No, no! No…

(_Awkward pause_.)

**Odysseus**: Were _you_?

(_Achilles looks up at the sky and does not respond_.)

**Odysseus**: Eew.

* * *

Outtake #58: 

(_Menelaus and Paris are fighting a duel_.)

**Menelaus**: See the crows? They've never tasted prince before.

**Helen**: (_yelling from the wall_) I'll bet they've never feasted on a usurping king, either!

**Menelaus**: (_yelling back at her_) You're next, bitch! You hear me?! You're fucking next!

* * *

Outtake #59: 

(_Achilles is setting the mood in his tent_. _Briseis is tied to a tent post, and Achilles does not look at her as he speaks and rubs oil on his naked body_.)

**Achilles**: I'll tell you a secret—something they don't teach you in your temple. The gods envy us. They envy us because we're mortal, because any moment might be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we're doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again.

**Patroclus**: (_oiling himself up_) Oh, you are so _hot_ when you blaspheme…

**Achilles**: Get ready.

**Patroclus**: I was _born_ ready.

(_Achilles and Patroclus embrace and kiss passionately, until the two touch foreheads_.)

**Achilles**: Assume the position.

**Patroclus**: I'm on it.

**Briseis**: (_plaintive_) Do I _have_ to watch this?

**Achilles**: (_annoyed_) Yes, you do, because when I'm done with him, he gets to work on _you_—and then _I'm_ going to watch. Now shut your noise-hole and pay close attention.

* * *

Outtake #60: 

**Hector**: (_to priest_) Bird signs? You want to plan out strategy based on bird signs?

**Priest**: Hasn't failed yet.

**Hector**: How many times have you used it?

**Priest**: Just this morning. The bird signs showed that my pupil would fetch water from the well—and he did.

**Hector**: Doesn't he do that everyday?

**Priest**: Well, sometimes he skips it on Tuesdays.

**Hector**: (_to a soldier_) Get him out of my sight.

* * *

Outtake #61: 

**Odysseus**: My wife will feel much better knowing you're riding beside me—I'll feel much better.

(_Pause, as Achilles sizes up Odysseus_.)

**Achilles**: Is that your way of telling me Penelope's still angry with you about what almost happened to your son?

**Odysseus**: You heard about that, too?

**Achilles**: Agamemnon casually informed me of your feigning madness when he found me…

**Odysseus**: Great…

(_Odysseus leans against a rock; Achilles leans against a tree across from him_.)

**Odysseus**: (_resentful_) She _should_ be angry with Agamemnon—he's the one who almost killed Telemachus, and just to strong-arm me into enlisting.

**Achilles**: _Almost_ killed Telemachus? Shit, that's nothing. I heard he slit the throat of his eldest daughter.

**Odysseus**: You don't say? What did she do?

**Achilles**: Nothing. He sacrificed her to one of the gods for a safe journey to Troy. He's got two more children, sure, but who says they're any safer?

**Odysseus**: That cruel son of a bastard… How did Clytemnestra take it?

**Achilles**: Not very well.

* * *

Outtake #62: 

(_After Menelaus's death at the hands of Hector, Helen is sewing up Paris' wounds_.)

**Helen**: Menelaus was a brave man. He fought for honor. And every day I was with him, I wanted to walk into the sea and drown.

**Paris**: Helen, with all due respect, you seem to be taking your husband's death awfully well.

**Helen**: Did you not want to kill him?

**Paris**: Honestly?

**Helen**: Yes?

**Paris**: Not really.

**Helen**: (_gravely_) What?

**Paris**: I bore him no ill will, aside from his treatment of you. He was king of Sparta and the father of your daughter, and I did not desire him to die, only to suffer a little—I just wanted to hurt him enough to make him think about how he hurt you—

(_Helen yanks at the string_.)

**Paris**: OW! What the—

**Helen**: (_cruelly, in his ear_) That's why you couldn't kill him dead? Because you "bore him no ill will"?

**Paris**: Helen, you're hurting me!

**Helen**: You will shut you mouth. Understand? I have gone two days without any satisfaction, just so you could prepare to fight my husband to the death—only to have your brother do it for you. You will shut your goddamned mouth, you will cease any and all mention of my family, and I will sew your wounds properly. And once you have healed, you will take me to bed and give me _three_ days worth of satisfaction—including today—or, as the gods are in Olympus, I will rip out with my teeth every stitch I have sewn into your skin. Are we clear?

**Paris**: Yes! Ow! Stop it, already!

* * *

Outtake #63: 

**Achilles**: (_to Briseis_) Trojan soldiers died protecting you. Perhaps they deserve more than your pity.

**Briseis**: High talk—coming from a violent barbarian who cares nothing for the gods that gave him life.

**Achilles**: If you knew the gods as I do, you would not speak so highly of them.

**Briseis**: Blasphemy!

**Achilles**: Don't you give me that, you arrogant little hussy.

* * *

Outtake #64: 

**Agamemnon**: Achilles is one man!

**Odysseus**: Hector is one man! Look what he did to us today!

**Agamemnon**: Hector fights for his country! Achilles fights only for himself!

**Odysseus**: I don't care about the man's allegiance—I care about his ability to win battles!

(_Pause, as Agamemnon narrows his eyes at Odysseus_.)

**Agamemnon**: Good gods, he's been buggering you, hasn't he?

**Odysseus**: Not that it matters, but no, he hasn't.

* * *

Outtake #65: 

**Briseis**: Would you leave this all behind?

**Achilles**: Would you leave Troy?

**Briseis**: Unless it gets completely and utterly destroyed, no.

**Achilles**: Then you are a bigger idiot than I first suspected.

* * *

Outtake #66: 

**Achilles**: You were brave to fight them. You have courage.

**Briseis**: To fight back when I'm attacked? A dog has that kind of courage.

**Achilles**: You're right. But, after a while, a dog at least _knows_ when he is about to be punished…

* * *

Outtake #67: 

**Agamemnon**: Achilles can't be controlled!

**Odysseus**: (_coughs into his hand_) Says you.

**Agamemnon**: What was that?

**Odysseus**: I said, "Achoo."

**Agamemnon**: Please refrain from getting sick. We're going to be in this country for a very long time, and your dying from some unforeseen illness would really put a damper on things.

**Odysseus**: (_sarcastic_) I'll do my best.

* * *

Outtake #68: 

**Achilles**: He killed my lover!

**Priam**: He thought it was you. How many lovers have you killed? How many fathers and brothers and sons and husbands, how many, brave Achilles?

**Achilles**: I don't know or care! All I know is that I never killed Patroclus, because he was special and I loved him!

(_Priam sighs heavily_.)

* * *

Outtake #69: 

**Achilles**: At night I sometimes see them—the faces of the men I killed. They're waiting for me on the far bank of the Styx. They say, "Welcome, brother. You're in for the spanking of an after-lifetime…" (_he shudders_) It's horrible, I tell you—horrible. Gives me the willies.

* * *

Outtake #70: 

**Achilles**: I told you how to fight but I never told you why to fight.

**Patroclus**: I fight for you.

**Achilles**: Yes, but who will you fight for when I'm gone? Soldiers fight for kings they've never even met. They fight when they're told to fight—they die when they're told to die.

**Patroclus**: Soldiers obey.

**Achilles**: Patroclus.

**Patroclus**: (_coyly_) What?

(_Achilles kisses Patroclus deeply, who goes limp for a moment and embraces Achilles around his chest_.)

**Achilles**: (_petting Patroclus' hair_) You are obedient almost to a fault. But if you are to obey anything, obey this: be prepared to save yourself. I don't know what I would do if anything were to happen to you.

**Patroclus**: I love it when you do that…

* * *

Outtake #71: 

**Briseis**: Do you enjoy provoking me?

**Achilles**: If by "provoking," you mean of course "torturing," then yes. Yes, I do. You're a very observant girl. Now hold still.

* * *

Outtake #72: 

**Agamemnon**: I almost lost this war because of your little romance.

**Achilles**: You're just jealous because Patroclus never polished your bone.

* * *

Outtake #73: 

**Agamemnon**: (_to Briseis_) You'll be my slave in Mycenae. A Trojan priestess scrubbing my floors… And at night...

**Briseis**: (_sarcastic_) You'll put me in a three-way with your wife?

**Agamemnon**: What-now?

(_Briseis rolls her eyes and stabs him in the neck_.)

* * *

Outtake #74: 

**Helen**: I can't ask anyone to fight for me. I'm no longer queen of Sparta.

**Hector**: That's kind of too bad as I was hoping to, you know, barter you with Menelaus as a last resort…

**Helen**: You wanted to send me back to him?

**Hector**: (_rhetorically_) You're the mother of his child. Honestly, what's the worst he can do? Beat you? Slit your throat? Hang you for treason?

**Helen**: Stop it.

* * *

Outtake #75: 

**Agamemnon**: He's going to take the beach of Troy with 50 men?

**Odysseus**: Fifty men who haven't eaten or slept with anyone in several days. The Myrmidons. They're quite ravenous, you know—I heard they once publicly skull-fucked and cannibalized an entire army three times their number.

**Agamemnon**: You don't say.

**Odysseus**: Oh, but I _do_ say.

**Agamemnon**: But it's true?

**Odysseus**: Well, I didn't say _that_…

* * *

Outtake #76: 

**Achilles**: Things are less simple today.

**Odysseus**: Women have a way of complicating things.

**Achilles**: (_bitterly_) That bitch in my tent, especially…

**Odysseus**: Interrupted you and Patroclus, did she?

**Achilles**: Shove it.

* * *

Outtake #77: 

**Odysseus**: The men believe we came here for Menelaus' wife—he won't be needing her anymore.

**Achilles**: You were right. Women _do_ complicate things.

* * *

Outtake #78: 

**Odysseus**: (_voiceover; epilogue_) If they ever tell my story, let them say that I walked with giants. Men rise and fall like the winter wheat, but these names will never die. Let them say I lived in the time of Hector, tamer of horses. Let them say I lived in the time of Achilles—who killed Hector, dragged his corpse for several miles, and desecrated the Trojan prince's corpse before dying three days later. And all because Hector killed Achilles' young lover, Patroclus—before any of the rest of us could have gotten some of that.

THE END


End file.
